The Dog's Diary: You Idiots
by Natmonkey
Summary: Stubbs watches on as Alistair and Zevran get into all kinds of mischief that Anders is none too happy about.


_Spoilers for _AdF_._

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><p><strong>You Idiots<strong>

Pointy Ears is here to say hi to the lady. How nice of him. "Hi, Pointy Ears." Tail is gone. To pee, probably. He better not pee against that big tree in the courtyard. That one is mine. He can have the smaller tree there, I suppose. He _has_ been caring very well for the lady, so I will let him have it. I will still be the ruler of the courtyard.

"Oh, hello, dog." Pointy Ears looks sad. Ever since the lady fell asleep. "Would you mind giving me a moment with your mistress?"

"Yes, I would." I look at the lady; still sleeping. How does she do it? She's like a cat. "I can't leave her alone. Sorry."

He looks at me funny for a moment, but then sighs. "I guess not, then. Could you perhaps pretend you are not here? I have a few important things to tell her." There is something in his hand. No, two somethings. One of them is a needle. I know those. Once, a darkspawn gave me this really big wound and my master had to sew it up. It hurt, but it made me better, so it's okay. He couldn't do the awesome thing with the light. What is that other thingy he has? It's sparkly. Like the stars in the night sky. I love looking at the stars. They are pretty.

"Okay." I pretend not to watch him, but I am totally watching him. Curious. What is he going to do?

Pointy Ears takes the lady's hand. "_Fiammina_? Please, give me a sign that you can hear me." Nope, nothing. She isn't squeezing. I can see that all the way from here. Pointy Ears says a word I'm sure is bad. "Well, this means nothing." He holds the sparkly thing in front of her eyes, even though they are closed. "I acquired this on my very first job for the Crows, assassinating a Rivaini merchant prince. This jewelled earring was about all he was wearing." Pointy Ears laughs. "I thought it was beautiful and kept it to mark the occasion." He sighs and strokes the lady's cheek. "I want you to have it, because-…" Pointy Ears looks at me; I'm not quick enough to pretend I wasn't listening. He bends down to whisper in the lady's ear, but my hearing is really good: "_Ti amo_, _fiammina mia_. More than mere words could express." What's that mean? A kiss on her cheek. Humans don't know how to kiss, do they? You use your _tongue_, guys. That's how you kiss.

Oh, I don't like where this is going. "What are you doing with that needle?"

"What, this?" The pointy end is pressed against the lady's earlobe. "I must pierce her somewhere, if she is to wear her gift."

Hmm, the lady does like pretty things. And that little sparkly thingy is pretty. "Okay then, but be careful."

"Not in her ear," says Tin Can suddenly. He is standing in the door. I would make the worst guard dog ever. "A single earring would not be her cup of tea, trust me."

Pointy Ears grunts. "How would you know what her cup of tea is?"

"I've known her longer than you have." Tin Can comes closer and taps his finger on the lady's nose. He is smiling and looking sad at the same time. "They are just so unbecoming for a lady like our little Warden. It would look really nice in her nose, though."

Pointy Ears holds the sparkly thing against the lady's nose. "Why, Alistair, I had no idea you have such a sense of style…" Yep, that would definitely look pretty.

"Yeah, yeah, hurry it up already," grunts Tin Can. "Anders isn't going to be happy about this, so let's make sure he doesn't know who did it."

"He is quite the stick-in-the-mud." Pointy Ears places the needle against the lady's nose, but Tin Can stops him. "What? _You_ insisted I hurry."

Tin Can gives him a stern look. "Have you disinfected that needle?"

"I…" Pointy Ears turns red. "Shit, no, thank you for reminding me. There must be some disinfectant around here…" They both go through Tail's stuff. Rude! But I can't stop them. They don't even know what I'm saying most of the time. "Ah, here we are." Pointy Ears has found a little bottle and dips the needle in it. Looks like water to me. "Will you hold her head steady for me, just in case she decides to move?" Tin Can takes the lady's face in his hands; there is such a sad, sad look in his eyes. The needle goes in. There is a little blood, but not much. Pointy Ears puts the sparkly thing through the new hole. That looks great. The lady will love it if-… when she wakes up. "What do you think?"

"Perfect." Tin Can sticks up his thumb. "Now let's get out of here." They run away like they did something bad. I guess they kind of did. Oh boy, now I'm not so sure if the lady will like it. Of course she will. She likes looking nice.

Tail comes back only moments later, whistling and with a book under his arm. "What the…?" He comes closer to the lady. "Who did this? Maker's breath, she's going to kill me!"

"Don't be silly," I tell him. "The lady will love it!"

Tail sighs and gives me a funny look. "Aw, you are no help at all." Humph. Am too.

~*|'-'|*~

Another day and the lady is still sleeping. Sheesh. Maybe she _is_ a cat. Why not? The angry female can be a cat too. Tin Can is back; Tail is watching him closely. I think he knows. Or at least thinks he knows. And here comes Pointy Ears, with a drink in his hands. Is that tea? It smells… different. He smiles at Tail. "Here, Anders." He gives Tail the drink. Why does it smell so weird? "You deserve a break; it shall probably be a while yet before Astoreth wakes."

"Any day now," Tin Can mumbles, softly stroking the lady's cheek. "Come back to me, little Warden."

"Thanks…" Tail sips his tea. "I'm parched."

Tin Can looks at him. "You should never forget to drink. It's more important than eating."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Tail laughs. "The next time I see a servant in here, I'll ask them for a carafe of water, or something."

"Good idea." Tin Can nods and looks at the lady again. He loves her so much. I can tell. Pointy Ears is quiet. He only watches Tail with his tree sap-coloured eyes.

"Good grief," yawns Tail. "I'm suddenly very tired." He stretches his arms above his head.

Pointy Ears smiles. "You can't have had much sleep watching over our patient the way you do. Perhaps a nap is in order?"

"Yeah, I guess so…" Tail yawns again and slumps in his chair. "Wake me in..." Yawn. "An hour…" Yawn. "Or something…" And he is off to sleep. Good. He doesn't sleep enough.

"That worked quickly," says Tin Can, poking Tail to make sure he is really sleeping. "What did you give him?" Oooh… That is why the tea smelled so strange. "You didn't kill him, did you?"

Pointy Ears rolls his eyes. "Of course not! It was only a very powerful sleeping potion." He takes something from his pocket. "So you are absolutely, definitely certain that Astoreth wants me to tattoo her?" The something is made from leather; he unfurls it and reveals needles in many different sizes. More holes in the lady? I hope not. If they try, I'll stop them. What is a tattoo anyway?

"Positive," replies Tin Can. "She said she would like to be tattooed, but we didn't have the time for such things. And now that we're not really doing anything…" He shrugs.

"Very well, but if it turns out you were mistaken, I am blaming you." Pointy Ears dips a needle into some black liquid. Ink. Oh, is he going to draw pictures on the lady? That is okay. "This will not wash off, you know. Let us undress her."

I can tell Tin Can is very happy to take the lady's clothes off. He keeps staring at her teats as if he has never seen them before. I saw them all the time when the little one was still with us. She kept his food in there. "So, uh…" He licks his lips. "What's the best place, you think?"

"I would think the back of the shoulder; very easy to hide." Pointy Ears lays the lady on her belly and touches her very softly on her left shoulder. "Maybe here?"

"Sounds good. What of, though? I think she would love to have a bitchin' griffon!" Tin Can looks at Pointy Ears with sparkling eyes.

Pointy Ears laughs. "What kind of griffon?" He laughs some more. "I was thinking of something a tad more ladylike, as you were earlier." Tin Can's face goes all pink. "Do you remember those black robes she used to wear?" I do, I do! They had plants and stuff on them. But not real plants.

"Definitely." Tin Can has a distant look in his eyes; he makes a little groaning sound.

"You are thinking of the sight of her legs in those robes, aren't you?" Pointy Ears smiles. "Ah, quite spectacular… But actually, I meant the pattern on them."

Tin Can scratches his head. "The vines and flowers? I have to admit, Zev, that's not a bad idea."

"You are too kind," says Pointy Ears, a little insulted. "Well, then, I had better get underway before our healer wakes." Tail is still sleeping; I don't think he will wake up soon.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Tin Can grabs Pointy Ears' hand, just when he is about to start drawing his pictures on the lady. "Didn't you tell me you would need to bathe somebody first, massage their skin with olive and rose oil, or something?"

Pointy Ears laughs. "No, that was merely a ploy to get you naked and touch you, dear Alistair; perhaps even do a little more," he says with a wink. More? Like what? Rutting? Huh? But they're both male. That makes no sense. Humans are so weird sometimes.

"Oh." Tin Can blushes. "I'm not sure whether to be scandalized or flattered."

"How about aroused?" Pointy Ears wiggles the hairy lines above his eyes. "Is that an option?" I thought he only loved the lady. Pointy Ears must have a lot of love to give.

"Definitely not!" Tin Can looks away. "Just get started, all right?"

Pointy Ears keeps quiet while he draws on the lady's skin. The tip of his tongue sticks out as he works. That's kind of cute. Pretty pictures. I like it. The lady will like it too, I think. So many flowers and plants. Looks better than on the lady's old clothes. Tin Can watches on, the hairy lines above his eyes high on his forehead. He likes it too; he is probably surprised at how good Pointy Ears can draw. That guy is _good_, but not very quick. This is taking a while. Uh oh… Tail's eyes are opening. I wonder what he will say? "You filthy, conniving…" I can't repeat what else he says. It's too rude. "You drugged my tea!"

"It's for a good cause!" says Tin Can. "Astoreth said herself that she wanted a tattoo."

"I don't care." Tail jumps up, anger in his eyes. "I can't bloody believe you two!" He smacks them both on the head. "Have you idiots stopped to think that maybe this girl has gone through too much crap already to be subjected to more injury?" He growls. "Fools. A tattoo is a wound! Now her body has to direct attention from the hole in her torso to healing this new nonsense too." What? I didn't know the drawings were a wound! Stupid humans. Tail's eyes are almost red with anger. "You're behind the piercing too, aren't you?" Yes. Yes, they were. It was them. All them.

"I don't know what you're talking about," says Tin Can.

"It wasn't me," says Pointy Ears. He sighs. "I am sorry for this, however; obviously we weren't using our heads like we should have." He puts away his needles and looks at Tin Can. "We should leave."

"Oh, no." Tail smacks Pointy Ears again. "No, no, no. Now you're finishing it too." He waves at the pictures. "Look at this! The only thing that will piss her off more than a surprise tattoo is an unfinished surprise tattoo. Hop to it."

Pointy Ears bends his head and continues. He should be ashamed of himself. If I'd known, I would have stopped them. Those two and their stupid plans. I'm sorry, lady. Oh, no. I hope she's not going to be angry with me too.


End file.
